LOVE IS EITHER ON OR OFF
How to Stop the "Same Shit Different Day" Mentality
Welcome to this week’s Substack! In this post, I will go over how to feel joy in the midst of suffering and that the duality of feelings is what makes us human. Even though it is often so difficult to experience joy while struggling, that doesn’t mean it is impossible. Especially if you have an abundant mindset where possibilities are infinite. I encourage you to stay open-minded and open your heart to receiving love because it is possible to feel a pure, love source while suffering.
Try to remember the last time you felt irritated (come on, it shouldn’t be that hard), Mine was the other day. I woke up annoyed for some damn reason, maybe a bad dream, couldn’t pick an outfit which spiraled into having a late start to the day, and finally got the coffee I thought would be my saving grace, until all the tables at the coffee shop were taken and I already paid $4 for a parking spot out front. (Please tell me you sense the frustration I still feel writing this.) SHIT. To say the least, from the moment I woke up to the point where I got my coffee and looked around at the coffee shop, I could not experience one single moment of joy.
We do this a lot to ourselves. We spiral into a shell of our authentic selves, expressing and manifesting nothing but irritation, anger, and frustration. What a joy to be around!! We are gonna get so much done, and meet so many great people in this mood, really manifesting all of our dreams from this state of being. NOT!
UM YEAH, HOW ABOUT NO, YOU WON’T.
Let’s try another alternative… wake up, and you are feeling irritated. NOW BREATHE. Reset your body, allow your heart and mind to slow down. The simple act of 3 deep breaths could’ve instantly allowed my heart to open space for a new sensation. After that, getting changed and not finding an outfit could’ve been irritating, but it didn’t have to bother me that much. I would now choose at that moment to say to myself, “I don’t need the perfect outfit to feel good today,” taking all the pressure off of finding the “perfect” outfit. Now I am listening to my favorite song that takes my mood from 0-100 (you know the one for yourself) in the car on the way to the soon-to-find-out filled coffee shop. I walk in and see filled chairs after just paying $4, but instead of panicking, I make an executive decision to breathe and assess. Either I forfeit the $4 by letting go of the attachment to that money, or I order my coffee and sip on it somewhere where I may not be able to work on my computer, but I know I can read, journal, or listen to a podcast. Letting myself engage in a new activity that can bring joy, knowing that eventually someone will get up, and I can then work. PHEW, the difference between the two alternate realities.
WRITE A NEW STORY
Part of the reason it is so hard to feel joy when experiencing irritation, pain, and sadness is that our brain has complex mechanisms for processing pain, leading to a persistent pain experience even after the initial shock of that emotion. Essentially, we create a “wired-in” pain state, but that doesn’t mean we can’t pull ourselves out of this pain state. Datcher Keltner believes harnessing the power of “awe” can rewire human nervous systems to happiness.
How do we do this? By bringing our nervous system back to baseline and being open to receiving awe. Being in a state of “awe” doesn’t have to be grand things like climbing a mountain at sunrise, but the simple act of noticing how warm coffee makes your body feel or how your favorite song plays can take your mood from 0-100.
We don’t have to go far and wide to experience awe; it is all around us, waiting for us to notice it. When we are in a state of frustration, it feels impossible to wake up and “smell the roses,” but with the tool of bringing our awareness to the present moment of making a single choice, we can lift the fog and open ourselves to receiving a new feeling beyond frustration.
Another amazing author and inspirational figure, Mel Robbins, suggests in her book “The Five Second Rule”, you have five seconds to act on something before your brain tries to stop you. Next time you feel an unpleasant emotion take over your nervous system, try this method of counting down from 5 to bring yourself back to the present moment. Then try to find awe anywhere around you, maybe you physically move your body to feel different, or notice colors around the room. For a second, this will distract your brain to move from being stuck in a “pain” state to a more open mind/heart experience.
AT THE SAME DAMN TIME
Now that we have unlocked a key to finding joy in an unpleasant moment of emotional distress, how do we do this in prolonged moments? For example, you are going through a breakup, maybe grieving the loss of someone close to you, or maybe experiencing anxiety over your career choice. These feelings seem to linger in the background, they affect you throughout the day, every day. They don’t seem to go away and may even feel like a default state whilst going through whatever painful situation.
Changing our default state is tricky, there has to be a sense of acknowledgment that this time isn’t easy. We can’t simply trick our minds into feeling joy 50 times a day, but we can continue to practice love and compassion. I find that when I am going through a season of not feeling like “my usual self”, I get stuck in shame or blame. I shame myself for feeling stuck, I try hating myself into loving myself. Unfortunately, this is very common, and it isn’t a sustainable source of motivation to get you out of the hole you are in. Shaming yourself may temporarily fix the problem by giving us short-term motivation but overall leads to a cycle of shaming and a long-term sensation to “fix” ourselves.
Instead of shame, we should use love. Love is a fuel with infinite energy that, although hard to conjure up for ourselves, will always be a resource we can rely on. The love we can muster up from the deepest parts of ourselves will only maintain a cycle of growth and healing. To conjure up this love for ourselves, we have to make an honest inquiry: is our love on or off?
LOVE IS EITHER ON OR OFF
Either we are in awareness of love and therefore in connection with everyone around us in an active, meaningful way or we have rejected that love in ourselves because we have dismissed our need for it and therefore become stagnant. Either we are living our life in love or we are on the outside of it, in a state of self-criticism, disconnected from the flow of heart and meaning.
Recognizing if your heart has love turned on or off is sometimes easier to assess in our bodies first. Do we feel tense, anxious, or easily irritated? This shows us that we aren’t open to receiving love from anyone, especially ourselves. Get really aware and in tune with your body, and ask yourself Am I open to love right now? If not, practice, practice, practice tools such as breathing, speaking kindly to yourself, or moving your body. There are unlimited tools at our disposal that we often neglect or think are silly to utilize. But what is sillier is sitting in our discomfort when we have the choice to get out of it. Now I am aware that mental health disorders and more serious neurodivergent conditions aren’t so easy to snap out of but these tools can still manage the symptoms if you struggle with these conditions.
To keep the love flowing between ourselves and the people around us, we have to be connected to the source. Define what that means to you, is it a God? A universe? Something just bigger than you? Where can you pull from to believe that there is an endless supply of love always there for you? For me, I call it the universe, I often reference love as feminine energy. I will say “She is always showing up for me” or “Her love is endless”, reminding myself that this love intelligence I am connected to and born from is unconditional. When we tap into “our source,” anything seems possible, the pain we feel is to open us up for something greater, the mountains we have to climb are part of a bigger plan, and the greater scheme of things is playing in our favor even if it might not look like it. Define your source and use its power to not only turn love on but keep it on, because this power source is unlimited.
If any part of you resonates with the stories I shared, the overall message of healing consider tuning in for my weekly blog. I am just a girl with a big heart who wants to share the very things that have helped me lead a life of love. I appreciate you taking the time to get whatever you needed out of this and keeping an open heart & mind to the possibility of healing your limiting beliefs. Until next time, treat yourself with kindness <3
